I was recently reminded of a column I wrote in which we poked fun at Millennials with some alternatives to bluegrass standards, like “I’m a Man of Constant Netflix,” “Selfie On Top of the World,” and “You Don’t Know My Password.” I’ll admit these were pretty cheap and easy shots, but as I said at the time, these were merely Baby Boomer and Gen-X efforts to distract from the fact that they/we left Millennials a world of student loan debt, Aspertame, and, it could be argued, most of what made 2020 and 2021 the mess they’ve been.
It seems only fair now to turn the tables and present some alternative bluegrass song titles that take aim at the quirks of the decade near and dear to the hearts of Baby Boomer and Gen-X bluegrass lovers: the ’80s. This is a much better plan than my original idea for this column, which was to do a whole new series of Millennial songs that are just regular bluegrass song titles but with the word “So” in front of them (“So You Don’t Know My Mind,” “So I’m a Man of Constant Sorrow,” etc).
So . . . tease up your hair, put on some parachute pants, and enjoy these renamed bluegrass classics. Thanks to my daughter Joanna, who has only read about the ’80s in history books but who knows the music, for her contributions.
I’ve broken these down into various ’80s categories. (Note that while this is a rerun column, bonus songs have been added. You get all of this and more for only $19.99!)
’80s Lifestyle and Fashion:
Big Hair Mon
Whose Shoulder Pads Will You Cry On
Handsome Mullet
Fax On the Run
Sweet Little Ms. Pac-Man
Snort a Line Brother
Out in the Cola Wars
Investment Banks of the Ohio
Blue Moonwalk of Kentucky
Foggy Mountain Breakdance
Foggy Mountain Pet Rock
’80s Music:
Synth City
Billie Jean in the Lowground
Material Girl and the Dreadful Snake
What’s Sugar Coated Love Got to Do With It?
Flashdancing With the Angels
Papa Don’t Preach Little Bennie
When White Doves Cry
Uptown Girl in the Blue Velvet Band
Chalk Up Another One Bites the Dust
I’m Going to Sleep With One Eye of the Tiger Open
Say Say Say Won’t You Be Mine
Lost All My Money For Nothing
’80s Movies, Television and Celebrities:
Cabin on the Hill Street Blues
Remington Steele Rails
River of Michael Jordan
Molly Ringwald and Tenbrooks
Pretty in Pink Polly
Rocky IV Top
Purple Rain Please Go Away
Footloose in the Snow
From the political realm:
Berlin Walls of Time
Reagan Snow
Dan Quayle Prayed
Little Maggie Thatcher
I’m Iran of Contra Sorrow
Gorbachev Up Another One
(The last two are a bit of a stretch, I realize).
